Title: Sex & The Church
Synopsis: The seedy side of church and its virile young men out to get laid.
Disclaimer:
The following
contains some Christian scenes written in a Christianly way.
All characters
appearing in this work are Christians.
Any resemblance to
persons living or dead is a miracle.
List of Characters:
Jason Loh –
resident glutton
Goh Xin Yuen –
resident rapist
Alan – Alabama Man
Melinda – soap
opera villainess
Steven – cell
warden
Kuantan Nurse –
fresh meat 1#
Micha – fresh meat
2#
Alice –
gossipmonger 1#
Helen –
gossipmonger 2#
Pastor Daniel Ho –
the pontiff
Chapter 1: The (Un) Reliable Brother
Jason Loh is not your average 30-year-old virgin boy cum PhD
candidate from the University of Melbourne, Australia. For one, his jolly
disposition belies his rather mundane appearance. He has a chubby, rounded
girth cultivated through years of good food and neglect of physical exercise.
Underneath all these shabbiness, however, lies a razor-sharp intellect ready to
attack the most complicated mental equations. With honey under his tongue and a
wicked penchant for toilet humour, he excels in delivering slapstick jokes with
deadly precision. Unfortunately, he is also the No.1 fanboy of Jesus Christ.
“You should really go to church sometimes,” he said while
stabbing a piece of tuna sashimi with a chopstick. “Go meet Christian guys with
nice, godly characters,” he popped the fishy morsel into his mouth.
I rolled my eyes. There it goes again. The Brotherly Sermon.
His constant reminder about me not going to Church made me feel so unbaptized
and unChristianly suddenly. Ugh. Plus the whole idea of meeting goody-two-shoe
men with squeaky clean characters and doormat personalities was such a
turn-off. My dear brother obviously had no idea about the type of men I find
drool-worthy, ok?
“I think not, bro. Church is boring. Plus my standard of
guys... have gone up drastically. I don’t date Jehovah-obsessed geeks,” I
mumbled in a low voice before stirring a bowl of miso soup. There we siblings
were, sitting in some fancy Japanese restaurant – a fat, bespectacled boy with
his slim, pretty sister; both enjoying some quality sashimi while engaging in
some intense rhetoric.
“Nonsense. Your standard of guys is laughable. I don’t find
sissy men with dyed hair and electric guitars compatible with your
intelligence. You need guys with brains. But most of all, you need guys with
genuinely good character,” he cooed persuasively, shoving a piece of BBQ
yakitori into his mouth. He is forever shoving things into his mouth.
“...O rrrly? They’re not sissy, just metrosexual. But I won’t
date a guy unless he has a bulging 6-packs, hehe~” I started giggling
playfully. It was one of my puerile habits, besides talking to soft toys in
bed. But I could not resist acting bimbo around my brother. He has one of those
personalities begging to be trolled.
“So which church do
you wanna attend?” Jason Loh actually sounded serious. Bummer.
“Uh. Let me see. Hm. Damansara Utama Methodist Church.” I
blurted out mindlessly. Obviously, this was a glamorous choice. I wanted a
controversial church, an institution which has been mired in scandalous news
and juicy headlines for years in the tabloids. I wanted a Jesus with a bad-boy
ghetto image. In other words, I wanted a flawed church. Something as flawed as
me.
My brother quickly picked up his phone and typed some dodgy
SMS-es. Less than 5 minutes later, his perfectly rounded face broke into a
smile.
“Aahh. You’re in luck. My friend goes to DUMC,” he said.
Holy shit. Mental images of a thickly-bespectacled geek with
dishevelled hair and slovenly speech popped up in my mind. My brother has
friends in the “Smart Category”, scarecrow friends in dire need of muscle-pumping
and Apetton consumption. I imagined these are ForeverAlone guys who would reach
orgasm from playing Call of Duty in a video game frenzy while secretly fapping
to pictures of busty AV stars in dark, lonely rooms.
I had a bad premonition.
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